For Gender-Nonconforming Rope Bottom - bondage basics

Probably everyone on the planet has some kind of body issue: too big, too small; too I short, too tall; we wish we had a different nose or ass or shoe size. But those kinds of issues are fairly well understood by the majority. When your body doesn’t match who you really are, or you otherwise have a gender identity that doesn’t conform to society's expectations, it gets more complicated. And studies suggest that 0.3 percent of people in the U.S. feel strongly that their biological sex does not conform to their gender identity. With the U.S. population at more than 323 million as I write this, that means around 1 million Americans are in that category. Yet gender nonconformity is still decidedly «of well understood by the majority.

For extensive coverage of the issues related to being transgender, as well as detailed explanations of related terms, I highly recommend Lee Harringtons book.

Terms to Know

Gender: The sum of how one relates to themselves and others through their sexuality, personality, and physical body.

Gender identity: One’s actual, internal sense of being male or female, neither of these, both, etc.

Trans: Prefix or adjective used as a simultaneous abbreviation of either “transgender” or “transsexual,” derived from the Latin word meaning “across from” or “on the other side of’.’ Because it avoids the political connotations of both those terms, many consider “trans” to be the most inclusive and useful umbrella term.

Transgender: Commonly used as an umbrella term for people whose gender identity differs from the sex or gender they were assigned at birth, and for those whose gender expression differs from what is culturally expected of them. Some people use “transgender” to describe their primary gender identity. The term “transgender” is not indicative of sexual orientation, hormonal makeup, physical anatomy, or how one is perceived in daily life.

Gender fluid: A nonbinary gender identity that indicates shifting between different genders, sexualities, presentations, etc. The term “bigender” is similarly used by those who feel they have both male and female sides to their personalities, such as cross-dressers.

Traversing Gender. It's not just for transgender people but for everyone who cares about them. We are so luck)’ to have Lee in the rope community and as an invaluable consultant on this chapter, by the way! He is the author of eight books and the editor of or a contributor to 17 more, and has taught all over the world on spirituality’ and erotic authenticity. Lee has assembled a comprehensive collection of resources for transgender and gender-diverse people at http://www.traversinggender.com.

Challenges

Being gender nonconforming in the rope community, as in life, can cause diferent issues for diferent people.

Finding Partners in Fun

One of the most common challenges seems to be finding a rope partner in the frst place. “I’ve found that experienced tops aren’t interested in topping me - whether its because I’m fat, not especially flexible, not a masochist, or being a butch nonbinary trans, I don’t know,” writes Squirrel, who identifies as “agender, or nonbinary more generally.” Nathaniel Flumen, “queer/nonconforming male,” says of finding a partner, “It is a common difficulty.... The only-two female rope tops of my area didn’t want to tie my male form, and I couldn’t find any male interested in males that was interested in tying me for nonsexual purposes” A gender-fluid male-assigned rope bottom says simply, “Not many people seem to be interested in tying men/transgenders.”

Body Language

Being a female with external genitalia can be a challenge. “Many people only know me as female” says Jennifer Noble, who is trans and identifies as female, “and don’t realize that I possess male anatomy at this point, so I have had several people freak out when finding out I was not born female. This has affected who I am able to partner with.”

Others may more outwardly present as gender non-conforming, so there’s no surprise involved. But that brings different issues, such as the potential for immediate bias or dismissiveness - people might not even try to get to know you beyond what they see.

Other challenges have to do with the body in rope. Some rope tops know how to tie only one kind of body structure, for instance, which can cause issues—especially in suspensions. One male-assigned rope bottom has found one of the biggest challenges to be “the fact that rope won’t stay in place on my chest, as many ties seem to rely on the presence of breasts” A female who was born with a male body adds, “Ties around the hips may need to be a little tighter due to less curves.” Some ties do assume a specific hip structure, when actually the rigger will need to feel out the individual hip.

A Time of Transition

If you’re rope bottoming while transitioning, you and your top will be adjusting along the way. Surgeries and hormones can mean you might no longer have breasts to catch chest harnesses, for instance, or that you have breasts for the first time. Erin Houdini advises that rope shouldn’t squeeze or put pressure on breast implants, by the way, so chest harnesses will need to be tied very carefully. Surgeries can also have unintended effects. “Chest surgery-left me with a numbness under my arm,” Lee says, “which changed the way the rope feels.”

Transitioning can mean shifts in body fat, changes in musculature, and different flexibility too, which may alter which ties and positions work for you. You may have scars or new hair or other things that take some getting used to. (Pro tip: If you’re new to high heels, ask for some support while standing or walking while bound. Balancing when your arms are tied is hard even for longtime stiletto lovers! And if you’re exploring makeup, consider avoiding body glitter and any makeup that could rub off on the rope— long-wear lipsticks are great for rope bottoming.)

Speaking of high heels, wardrobe malfunctions can happen: “I recently had a suspension scene where my genitalia slipped from beneath my panties where it had been tucked” Jennifer says. “I noticed a couple from the audience pointing, and the girl looked shocked.” Experiences like this can be everything from a nonissue to traumatic, depending on the person.

If you’re not transitioning but your rope top is, you may need to readjust if they’re getting used to tying with a diferent body, mindset, approach to rope, and so on.

Perception Is Not Reality

Sometimes rope tops shy away from tying male-assigned bodies based on perceptions that may or may not be accurate. “Its surprising how often people assume that male rope bottoms are not flexible” a male-assigned bottom says, “or are somehow less able to do challenging suspensions and partial suspensions. I love to do both!”

Or maybe it's the perception of the rope bottom that’s initially skewed. “I had seen exclusively females in his ropes, which made me stupidly insecure” Nathaniel says about his first time tying with a well-known bondage instructor. And how did that end up? “He was highly focused on me and had an outstanding energy.-. I adored every minute of it.”

Working through feelings of insecurity can be enormously rewarding. “The largest challenge I’ve faced lias been getting over my own issues with being undressed in front of people,” says jane J., who identifies as “female 90 percent of the time” but has “masculine and androgynous days.” “While I was assured that being undressed was optional by the people that had tied me, I also knew that they preferred their bottoms naked to both make tying easier and to enhance the connection they were seeking. The larger obstacle was when it came to being tied in front of other people.... While I was incredibly nervous the first scene itself, I was fortunate enough to be a part of an incredibly positive community that has drowned me in praise afterwards and to this day.”

Helpful Ideas

While we’re talking about community, if I had a dollar for every time I extolled its virtues for all rope bottoms...well, you know. You just can’t underestimate how supportive, helpful, and resourceful other ropesters can be. “Being surrounded - on FetLife and in real life—by people who enjoy the idea of having male-bodied bottoms within the community sure was a game changer,” Nathaniel says. “I felt appreciated and desired within the rope community. This support gave me enough confidence to keep believing and go forward.”

So lets have a look at some of our awesome community’s ideas.

Don’t Assume the Position

"Don’t let assumptions about limitations affect what you experience in rope!" advises Snow, who identifies as “male-bodied, gender-fluid.” Nathaniel supports that point: “Always remember your sex/gender doesn’t define your aptitudes.... Do not limit yourself to rope tops who clearly state an attraction that includes your sex/gender. People are not enclosed in their labels, and most people in the rape community are actually very open-minded and open to exploring different vibes with different individuals, at least at times.”

Another trans rope bottom adds, “Confidence and being comfortable with who you are play a big part in moving along in many social situations, but I think it’s especially important as a trans person to feel comfortable with yourself and what you’re doing.”

It Takes Two

If fnding a rope top is a challenge, consider taking classes in tying others, and attending Rope Bites, rope munches, and other rope-related events. “Some people only do rope with a sexual attraction, but many also do it just to have a fun time, and gender or body type usually doesn’t matter to those people,” Jane says. You may or may not meet someone who's looking for a bottom at these events, but at the very least you'll gain a better understanding of rope and stay in touch with rope energy.

You can also try attending trans-oriented or transfriendly events that aren’t specifically rope-focused, like Queer Invasion or Dark Odyssey, Lee suggests. He adds that these events often have forums for hookup play online, and you can post a note there, along with attending classes and being available for random match-ups. See who plays with gender-diverse bodies, Lee recommends, as folks who play with diverse bodies (larger, smaller, male, and so on) are more likely to play with other gender-diverse bodies.

And keep in mind this golden nugget of wisdom from Obi Phoenix, whose descriptions include genderqueer, nonbinary, AMAB (assigned male at birth), and femme: “Being gender nonconforming, it's easy to encounter cis-male rope tops who will not tie you.... It might be disappointing, but then again, would you really want to send your one-of-a-kind parrot to a veterinarian who will not work with any other animals but cats?”

Uh, Wait, Actually It Takes Only One

The turning point for Nathaniel in finding partners was “learning self-bondage, attending classes as a self-tyer and an available bottom, and doing a bit of tying as well.” That led to meeting some rope tops “who are still among my main rope partners three years later.... I actually stopped self tying and tying to concentrate only on bottoming.” Jane also took the self-tying route: “Self-tying is something that a lot of people overlook....When I first started and even now, a lot of the work I did was on my self. It does lack the emotional side, but you can give yourself exactly what you want physically. It’s like rope masturbation.”

“I do not recognize myself in any gendered concepts expressed in our modern society.... My crazy dream is to see a wide variety of rope bottoms regarding all possible aspects and not categorize them, seeing them as human beings in ropes. ”

Some turn toward tying and stay there: “I’ve actually just kind of given up on rope bottoming,” Squirrel says. “I started tying other people because others weren’t interested in tying me, and I think I just got burnt out not getting my needs met to the point where I just don’t want to do it anymore.” If your journey in rope shifts course, consider it part of your evolution. You can always go back to rope bottoming later on if you want.

And remember that finding a rope partner, especially one you can connect with on a deeper level, can be a challenge for everyone. I hear it all the time, from people you might least expect. I he more you put yourself out there - offering to bottom for people in classes, meeting ropestersat munches and Rope Bite and in the FetLife rope groups - the more likely you are to meet someone. As a person in our local rope bottoms meetup wisely said, in response to my lamenting about, yup, not being able to find a steady-rope partner: “You’re not going to find a dreamy rope partner sitting home alone dreaming about one.” Putting yourself out there means opening yourself up to rejection. And while rejection might suck, not getting tied up can suck more.

For others, finding a partner hasn’t been a major issue, and gender doesn’t even necessarily play a role in rope scenes. Snow says of a strappado suspension that involved impact play: “The experience was very intense, and in the happy fog of subspace, I felt a strong connection with my partner. But in all of the emotions of that moment, I was not thinking of gender at all". One female-identifying rope bottom says, “I don’t think I've faced anything specific challenge-wise with my gender or related.... I’ve played with a handful of people who had no idea of my trans status, without issue.”

Major in Communications

When you do find a partner, communicating what language to use, along with where you do and do not like to be touched, can help you feel more comfortable and can help you trust your rope top more: “Communicate not just preferred pronouns,” Erin advises, “but also preferred names for body parts, which parts of your body you want— or don’t want—attention given to, which parts are completely off-limits, etc.”

Touch is a personal and individual thing for everyone, so discuss preferences honestly and openly, especially regarding crotch rope and “the deeply personal choice of sharing genitals with someone,” as Lee puts it. And know that those preferences may change from scene to scene. “I have days when genital or chest touching takes me out of ropespace,” he says. Tell your partner what kind of touch is hot and sexy for you too, Lee adds - its easy to focus on the nos, but telling folks what your yeses are is a great way to connect.

“Figure out what you need to stay in a bottom head-space” Squirrel recommends. “As in, what kind of touching, ties, language is liable to cause you dysphoria? What do you need to reaffirm who you are?” Squirrel says that learning “what areas on my body I wanted to have emphasized and which ones I didn’t, and what kinds of ties would accomplish that” has greatly helped.

Other specifics to discuss with your partner might include tying over binders or compression shirts, along with wardrobe in general: “What clothing do you want to wear, whether for comfort, enforcing identity, or privacy?” Lee says.

He adds that trans people can also experience bodily dissociation, which may affect reporting safety issues. If this is the case for you, you may want to ask your rope top to check in more frequently during a scene.

Enjoy the Ride

In the end, your rope scene is between you and your partner(s) in the moment. Not the drunken jerk who wandered into the club of the street, not the uneducated person who said something unskilled and hurtful that morning, not previous partners or partners you wish you had. “I had to learn to let go and just enjoy the rope without wondering what others might be thinking,” one rope bottom says. “As soon as I did, I was able to enjoy the rope much more.”

"Keeping focused on staying in the moment and ignoring those who may see you outside of your partners," along with meditating, are a few things that have helped Jennifer the most.

Instead of being concerned with what other people might be thinking (which you might be wrong about anyway), let the rope work its magic in helping you connect with your partner, transcend the everyday, and celebrate your beauty and power like nothing else can.

As Erin says:

"Rope has always been a way for me to feel connected to my body even when my body wasn’t physically configured properly and I felt very disconnected from it".