For Curvy Rope Bottoms - bondage basics

A few more statistics for you:

• Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.2
• 50 percent of teenage girls and 30 percent of teenage boys in one study used unhealthy weight- control behaviors such as skipping meals, fasting, smoking cigarettes, vomiting, and taking laxatives to control their weight.
• 46 percent of 9- to 11-year-olds in another study were sometimes, or very often, on diets, and 82 percent of their families were sometimes, or very often, on diets.

This chapter is particularly close to my heart, because I’ve struggled with feeling bad about my weight and body shape for my entire life—and the most I’ve ever weighed was 135 pounds pregnant. In my 20s I exercised maniacally, often going to the gym twice a day, and would make myself throw up despite not overeating. I got down to 95 pounds and shopped for clothes in the children’s department — a source of pride at the time. People kept telling me how amazing I looked, and I kept dieting to the extreme and making myself throw up. I was obsessed, unhealthy, and often miserable despite looking “fabulous.”

Even now, recognizing that at my thinnest I was my most unhappiest, I struggle every time I look in the mirror to not feel bad about my body, and subsequently myself. It's a struggle I usually lose. And I’m one of the “lucky” ones, because my disorder hasn’t killed me.

“Everyone looks beautiful in ropespace. ” ~ Dani_Red

As deviant as the rope world is, its public face often seems to share mainstream views about body-image. Just look at FetLife’s Kinky & Popular page, all the rope groups on Facebook, bondage photos published in magazines and books...more often than not, the rope bottoms are thin, young, very flexible women—in other words, not representative of the majority of rope bottoms, who have a wide range of body types, whose ages run the gamut, and who include men and transgender people.

This is not to judge thin, young, bendy women, by the way, who deserve to be who they are without being shamed or judged, just like everyone else. Nor is it to say that every single rope top or photographer uses only young and thin females as rope bottoms. But what were exposed to publicly - on social media, in professional bondage performances, even in many rape scenes at clubs and dungeons - is overwhelmingly focused on what appears to be a small minority of rope bottoms as a whole.

What we see all around us affects how we see ourselves, and hopefully this will help everyone see the fuller spectrum of beautiful rope bottoms in all their glory. As more than one person has said in different ways, even one is beautiful in bondage. I his book is one small effort that I hope will take root and grow until every rope bottom sees their beauty.

Lets hear what some beautiful curvy rope bottoms have to say.

Challenges

The No. 1 challenge for curvy rope bottoms seems to be a tie between dealing with self-image issues and fnding a rope top. “Tere’s defnitely an internal anxiety I have about asking people to tie me, because I am afraid that they might make a face or reject me,” JoyfulNoise says. Starberry cites “self-confdence and self-esteem issues,” and Kori cites “my own insecurity and fnding riggers willing to tie a larger rope bottom” as the biggest challenges. Gnethys says, “I’ve always been self-conscious about my image due to my weight, which has made me a bit shy when it comes to putting myself in positions where I would be looked at, and more vulnerable to negative messages.”

“I am short, fat, and much older than the beautiful girls on [FetLife’s Kinky & Popular page].... Guess what? I can still be a rope bottom. Do I do the bendy stuf on K&P? Nope nope nope! But I can do what works for me. And it is hot! ”

The majority of photos we see on social media certainly don’t help. “My biggest challenge has been my own perspective of my capabilities and my self-doubt,” Sous says. “I struggle with insecurity, particularly when the majority of the photos I see of suspension bondage are women who look like [two well-known rope bottoms. I am so much bigger than they are, so I convince myself that I am not as worthy of a rope bottom as they are.” Starberry says, “It is intimidating to see a constant stream of images of rope bottoms who are superskinnv and flexible and, well, I’m not.”

WyidOrchid_soumi adds, “It has been very hard to feel less bendy than most bottoms I see on Fet. Emotionally, I often have felt inferior.”

It's not just photos, either; curvy (and male and gender-nonconforming) folks are rarely seen bottoming for instructors in classes. “Most of the people in my country that do rope on an advanced level do it with supersuperthin and quite young girls,” says a rope bottom outside the U.S. “The more advanced you go, the thinner they get it seems. So even though I know I can do it, I still feel insecure about it because the thinness is everywhere, while us curvy people are a minority'.’ Here in the U.S., I've seen demo bottoms who are not superthin and young (including myself), but the majority do seem to fall within a limited weight and age range and be female.

Te Right to Choose

Before we go any further, it’s worth pointing out that there are defnitely those asshat rope tops and photographers who deliberately shame rope bottoms for their size, insist they can’t be tied, or are otherwise insensitive or downright disrespectful in turning down a request to be tied. (If you need support for calling bullshit on those, see Shay Tiziano’s article at the end of this chapter, along with all the photos of and writings by curvy bondage bottoms if you dig deeper than FetLife’s Kinky & Popular page.)

And then there are those rope tops who aren’t asshats but simply don’t have the knowledge, skill, or desire to tie people beyond a limited range of body types. And those tops should not be shamed for that whether or not they have any intention of ever changing. Every top has the right to personal preferences - whether aesthetic, emotional, mental, or based on any other quality - the same way every bottom does, and the right to decide what is within their comfort zone. A rope bottom who shames a top who respectfully declines for any of the above reasons is being just as insensitive as the putzes in the first category. It maybe a frustrating experience, but anger, blaming, and shaming are not justified here.

Frustrations and Misassumptions

So, back to fnding a top. “Tere are just some people who will not tie people my size,” Elsie says. “It can be extremely frustrating to drive an hour to an event and not get tied.” Bri Burning ofers this:

Bri Burning. Bondage and photo by Te Silence

"The biggest challenge I’ve faced being a rope bottom is the doubt of tops - whether that be doubt in my body and what it can do, or insecurities in their own skills.” That last part brings up another part of the challenge: incorrect assumptions about the limitations and capabilities of larger bodies. I'm a very curvy woman who is extremely flexible,” Bri continues. “[But] most people assume that I can’t stay in stress positions for long or can’t bend a certain way.”

Let’s be clear: Flexibility is not related to size. Curvy bottoms run the gamut from having very limited flexibility to having very high flexibility, the same way noncurvy rope bottoms do. As Starberry says, “Tere may be some things I can’t do, but those are my limitations and not necessarily due to weight.”

Bottoms sometimes make assumptions about themselves that may or may not be true as well. “Flexibility started out to be the biggest issue in my mind. But it was only in my mind,” Kurious says. “My rope top carefully makes sure there is not too much pressure on my joints. And as time has gone by, my flexibility has improved.” Another rope bottom adds, “I think that if I approached one of the well-known rigger/ photographers in my country, I would be refused as a model, but that’s based on what I see them shooting and not on actually asking.”

Figuring Out What Works

Some bottoms know from experience that specific parts of their body may need extra care. “Because I’m large-busted (I wear a 38M cup),” one rope bottom says, “if I’m not in a supportive bra, then chest harnesses and other breast ties are much more difcult and less aesthetically pleasing to me. Tere’s a lot of fop to deal with, and heavy breasts on rope can get very uncomfortable.” Usually I recommend trying to avoid underwire bras for suspensions involving chest harnesses, because rope pressure on the wire can add unbenefcial pain, but fgure out what’s right for you—if an underwire bra or any other type of support works best for you, go for it!

Similarly, certain tying positions may be out of the running. But as I’ve said elsewhere, no rope bottom that I know of doesn’t have some kind of limitation.

Take fuoco, who performs at the top level and studies contortion. “I have very exposed nerves,” she says, “and so I always tell play partners in negotiations that you can tie a perfect TK on me, but at some point I will have a nerve issue. It’s not really a question of if but when.’” She makes sure that suspension sequences include positions in which the takate-kote is not bearing the weight of support, and that her rigger will be ready to transition her out of a TK as soon as it becomes an issue. So remember that not being able to hold certain positions or even do them at all is no reason to feel that you’re not “good enough.”

Along with learning about what works and doesn’t work for your body, which applies to bottoms of all shapes and sizes, let’s look at some other helpful suggestions from the community.

Helpful Ideas

Developing a positive self-image is a personal journey that’s unique to every individual. But surrounding yourself with people, writings, and images that make you feel good about yourself, as opposed to things like most fashion magazines and FetLife’s K&P page, is a good bet. “Do not read beauty magazines. Tey will only make you feel ugly.” Wise words from Chicago Tribune columnist Mary Schmich (later lifted by Baz Luhrmann for his spoken-word song, and misattributed to Kurt Vonnegut). Similarly, read Hedwig’s essay later in the chapter and take the concepts not just to heart but to put forth into the world. Anyone or anything that makes you feel bad about yourself is not worth your time and attention.

Focus on the good instead: “what you can do, and doing it well,” as Starberry puts it.

Growing Awareness

“Physically I have been practicing yoga and meditation for the last three years,” Bri says. “Tis has helped me understand my body further, what it can and cannot do. Mentally I continue to practice self-care and self-love daily. Te insecurities that pop up have to do with my inner workings as a human that I have to take responsibility and action over.”

WyldOrchid_soumi also recommends “meditation and body awareness - it is very important to be in tune with your own body. I his really is for every bottom, but I feel for me that without that mindfulness, I would not have the mental fortitude to ever be naked in rope. You can’t help but begin to love the body you have as you discover all the intricacies of how your bodyworks.”

Through meditation, you may also find yourself embracing the Hindu concept that your true self (at-man) is completely distinct from the external body (and the mind too). Your real self is beyond all temporary designations like the body, age, gender, and race. It wasn’t until I started meditating on the “inner beloved” who exists in all of us (Sally Kemptom offers a guided meditation on this on Yogaglo.com) that I began to let go of my self-loathing and to realize that my true self is love, and that it has nothing to do with how big my thighs are.

Beautiful Words

“Te frst time I was tied in a karada, I cried. I cried because I felt fat and ugly. I cried because the rope was digging into my belly and I felt like my blubber was oozing out of the rope. My top took a picture and showed it to me.

I was right. Te rope was digging into my belly, and my fat was sticking out of the rope. I also saw the beauty in it. Te rope was forcing my belly into diamond shapes and shaping it into ways that my top wanted to see.”

Te Value of Education

Finding a rope top who has good knowledge of tying curvy bodies, is creative in tying, and who is emotionally supportive is also key. “I truly think that having healthy relationships with my rope tops and building that trust is what helped me the most to accept my body type for what it was,” Roxy says. “Te frst time I tried a rope suspension, I was really nervous that it wouldn’t hold me or that the tie would hurt too much because I had extra weight on it. My rigger assured me he had suspended people of my body shape and bigger with no problems. It made me feel a lot better, and I ended up really enjoying the suspension.”

“An educated top is your biggest ally,” Kurious says. “Ask the questions..'Have you ever tied up a big [person] ? What do you do differently with someone my size versus someone that is half my weight?...Will you be prepared to catch me if I am falling?’”

Consider having a spotter present too. More than once, a rigger has asked someone to help hold me up while getting me out of a suspension, and so now I evaluate a partner’s ability to support my body weight if no one else will be around to step in if necessary.

If you just can’t fnd an educated top, consider creating one! Do your own research and educate your partner. Learn together. “Tere are always workarounds to an uncomfortable tie,” says WyldOrchid_soumi. “My top has added wraps or changed the point of the primary pull, and it has made all the diference. Also, a good wrap clearing or cleaning can make a huge diference when you have a lot of feshiness under those wraps. Hurts like a bitch in the moment but is worth the extra minutes I can hold the tie.”

If anyone says or implies that you’re too big to be tied, that’s a wonderful opportunity for a teaching moment. “I've done dozens of suspensions and been told by experienced tops that I was too heavy for that kind of play. I’m not and I love it!” Dani_Red says. Many other bottoms know the same thing. “Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you’re too big to be tied up. That’s complete hogwash. I’ve been doing rope since my second kink event, and I’ve always been about the size I am now,” JoyfulNoise says. “When it comes to something like suspension or complex, physically demanding ties, there may be some tops who aren’t comfortable or don’t possess the skill set to tie you. Tat doesn’t mean it’s impossible—it simply means you need to keep looking to fnd a rope top who has the skill set.”

WyldOrchid_soumi. Bondage by Bry1970. Photo by D&R Photography

Boldly Go

And yes, we’ve already noted that fnding tops can be an issue—as it can be for all bottoms. “Be brave, attend rope events, and get to know diferent riggers and bottoms,” Kori recommends. “Ask the other bottoms for recommendations on who to tie you. If you get rejected, don’t get angry or upset; there are plenty of people out there who like to tie all body types.” Elsie adds, “Keep trying. Tere are people who will tie you; you just have to look a little harder.”

Consider what signals you’re sending about yourself too. “If you’re not happy with yourself, you’re not attractive” one rope bottom says. “ There are enough people around that like curvy [people], or don’t have much of a body-type preference. So when I started being a generally happy person and stopped feeling fat and ugly, I didn’t have any problems with meeting nice people that wanted to have fun with me.”

“I had to reshape my thinking completely” Starberry says. “I had to realize that society is trying to sell me something that I just don’t want to buy anymore, and force myself to constantly remind myself that there is nothing wrong with me, at all. My body is exactly the way it is meant to be in this moment.”

Kori adds, “I love myself, and I actually think that photos of me in rope are the only pictures where I look the wav I see myself. I decided that if someone doesn’t want to tie me because I’m fat, then it’s their loss. I’m pretty fun to tie.”

Find Your Tribe

Being part of a supportive community is invaluable. “Going to rope group has been huge for me...seeing other people with regular bodies and folds and rolls just enjoying the art, and being able to appreciate how others look (I am my own worst critic) and getting feedback from people who don’t have any stake in my game, as it were,” one rope bottom says. “It’s done a lot to make me feel more comfortable.” Don’t have a local rope group, or the one that exists doesn’t ft your needs? Make one of your own! Yes, you have the power and all the knowledge you need to do it right now—you can learn and grow together as you go; the important thing is fnding like-minded people for mutual support.

“I love myself and I actually think that pho- tos of me in rope are the only pictures where I look the way I see myself.”

Tie One On

Learning how to tie and even self-suspend can be helpful as well. “Self-tying has helped me the most physically and mentally to rope bottom,” thisgirl_m says. “I’ve gained knowledge about the technicalities of the ties that allows me to judge the safety of the ties I am in. I have learned my body’s ‘normal’ in rope so I able to tell if something is causing me harm.” Gnethys adds, “If someone tells you you’re too fat to fy, nothing will shut them up faster than self-suspending in front of them.”

Find Your Bliss

And remember that you get to define your rope experience. It’s not about what other bottoms do in their own scenes or photos, or what they look like. “You don’t need to do what you see others doing to be good at bottoming. You need to have a good time,”.

“You need to communicate and have confidence that you’re sharing something beautiful with another human who is enjoying what they are doing to you.... It’s about the energy you share with them.” Starberry says. “I started trying rope without taking pictures and just feeling it. [Then] I allowed pictures, and for every negative thing I saw I gave myself two compliments. I am willing to try anything once and feel it for what it is before deciding I don’t like it because of how it might look.”

Bri adds, “When I first learned of rope, it was all about the aesthetics and looking a certain way. I stayed clear from that type of rope because I wanted connection, energy play, and pain.... The way rope can be taken off can send me into subspace. The smell of jute leaves me floaty. Rope is a different experience for every person.... Whatever body type, gender, or sexuality you happen to be, you can have these beautiful moments.”

And Sous says, “Once I stopped worrying about whether or not my stomach fat was hanging down in a facedown suspension, or whether there was too much extra flesh bulging around my futomomo ties, I enjoyed all my bondage scenes so much more. One of my partners told me, ‘Everyone looks sexy in rope,’ and she is 100 percent correct.”

TeStuntDouble and RunningAemok. Bondage by RunningAemok. Photo by Taylor Roehr.

Everyone looks sexy in rope. Everyone is beautiful in ropespace.

I can’t repeat those truisms enough. Please consider sharing that message near and far. “So many people do bondage, of all shapes and sizes, and everyone deserves love and support for that,” Starberry says. “We can be the change we want to see by putting ourselves out there - go to events, do private scenes, share your pictures, support everyone big, small, and in between. Rope is not just for small and delicate women - rope is for anyone and everyone who wants it. Go get it!”