Safe Words in Femdom: Yours and His

Betcha he doesn't, even after all that talking you did when you first began playing. The male has a unique ability to deceive himself into thinking everything is always and foremost about him. “He” has a safe word so he knows that having a safe word means that one has limits—"one" being him. But is that any reason to think that the male realizes that this applies to you, too? Of course not. Even as the domina, there are probably some aspects of BDSM that just don’t appeal to you and in which you do not wish to engage. Being the domina, you don’t need a “word" per se, because it is within your authority to just stop the scene whenever you wish. It doesn’t matter if you stop it because you have to pee, or because you need a break from the action, or because you are dying of thirst and having a nicotine fit; as the authority figure you can continue or pause as you please. The above are just some of the circumstances under which you can stop the scene without having had your limits breached.

Since you are obviously the one in control why might you need a safe word? Well, first of all what you possess is the illusion of control; in the power exchange the submissive has given you his personal power and surrendered his control, but it can be withdrawn at any time. Goody for him. What about you? Can you refuse to accept all or part of the power he has given you? Of course you can. This is a two-way street: He has his limits and you have yours. And at this point in your games, both of you should have a good idea of each other's limits, although his limits might be clearer to you than yours are to him. How does breaching your limits happen? It could happen by accident, or it could happen when he tries to manipulate you, or tries to top from the bottom.

The Breach

If the breach happens accidentally, I would say that one possible reason for it is that it is/was an emotional limit that you didn’t know was a limit until you happened upon it. Emotional limits are harder to predict because they can remain buried right up until the moment you discover them. And sometimes in an unpleasant way at in inconvenient time. This breach could stem from an unresolved childhood or later life trauma, or a deep-seated fear. If you think that breaching an emotional limit might happen to you, perhaps you may want to consider having a word that stops the action but does not imply that the male submissive has done something wrong. The word, said in a gentler tone of voice followed by an endearment like "dearest slave," could convey that you have reached an unexpected personal limit.

Alternatively, we have the case of the manipulative slave, a “submissive” who looks for ways to force you into breaching your limits by using what he thinks to be subterfuge. Of course, if it pleases you, you can “allow” yourself to be manipulated. But if it doesn’t. . . ! You might be wondering, since you have some experience at playing BDSM games, how this deliberate breach could happen. You have talked, negotiated, and expanded your scenes, but you have also made clear what was not going to happen. This is where the temptation for manipulation enters: fantasy divergence. Let's say that anal penetration was on your “maybe" list but it was on his "yes" list. It was on your maybe list only because you didn’t wish to deal with brown matter, the actual penetration (once the area was clean) wasn’t the issue. It was on his yes list because he enjoyed the exquisite sensation, without giving any thought to your sensibilities. Since you are not only a woman with a sexually adventurous spirit but you also know how to compromise, you agree to play this game only if he agrees to have as many enemas as it takes to make the water run clear. This seems fair to us in “woman-think” because you don't have to deal with brown matter and he gets the sensation he craves. But he is definitely against even giving himself one prebottled enema from the drugstore. Obviously, we have major fantasy divergence here.

The unethical slave’s solution to this problem would be to top from the bottom and try to force you into doing the action he desires. This action could be the anal play described above, blood sports, piercings, catheters, or even just sniffing your ass. as long as it is from your "no" list or your “maybe" list with conditions he feels don’t apply to him. Nah-uh, sister! How does he attempt this? Even though almost all of his brain right then is located in his gonads, a very small part of it is still operating in the upper level and that tiniest of parts lies in wait for the right moment to spring "it" on you—It being the action he desires but you don’t. Let’s continue with the anal play scenario. He knows the terms of the compromise for anal play but for some unknown reason, he doesn’t think they apply to him. Well, who the hell else would they apply to? He wants out of the enema compromise, so what he does is during hot and heavy action, usually located in the butt area, he tries to manipulate you into penetrating him Perhaps you will be teasing and hurling his genitals with your hands or a flogger, or maybe you will be “dry humping" him with or without a dildo and harness. You could just be talking about “it” to tease him! After all, he knows the terms of the compromise.

Then, in his best slave’s voice, he will beg and plead most eloquently for you to penetrate him.

The number of times he uses "please” to persuade you will be countless. The phrase “I beg you, Mistress’’ takes second place. Combining phrases, like “Mistress, please. Mistress, I beg you. please,” is popular, too. After even only a short amount of time has passed, he will fall to his knees, grovel at your feet, expose himself to you in a shameless manner, all the while uttering “persuasive” phrases in his softest and sweetest slave’s voice And he will go on and on with it, never once stopping for a moment to read your body language, or to pick up a clue regarding your receptiveness to his "suggestions.”

I know what this kind of behavior does to me. It makes me stiffen up, emotionally and physically. In no particular order, it puts upon me a burden I thought had been dealt with fairly in the beginning. It makes me feel somewhat betrayed. Springing it upon me mid-playtime wrecks my top space. And it makes me feel a little angry with him because I know that he is trying to manipulate me and he knows that I know and he also knows that it will make me angry and that it will end the playtime almost immediately thereafter, so why does he do it? I can't even begin to guess, but there you have it.

Is There a Cure?

I am sure that at some lime or another, we too have bided our time and wailed for just the right moment to spring something upon him, but in our case, it usually isn't sexually oriented, is it? Something for personal adornment. or for the house, is more likely what we are after. Nor is our idea of the "right’' moment right tn the middle of a scene. The unethical, or manipulative, slave just gives lip service to being submissive. So what can one do about this sort of behavior?

There ain’t no cure for the selfish slave blues. . . .

You can’t change a selfish person into a selfless person. This change can happen but it has to come from a cataclysm within the individual, not from outside influence. Any change affected from outside influence is bound to be a shallow one, like putting a mule in a horse’s harness. But it is still worth pursuing because maybe someday it will sink in and he will change of his own desire. One way to pursue this is in a dungeon setting, using behavioral modification techniques. I highly recommend that one of these techniques be any and all forms of pre-agreed-upon corporal punishment. Also using bondage, isolation, and sensor deprivation, as well as a more rigid slave training program, can be of help. Behavioral modification can at least teach him to hold his desires in check, hopefully until he can realign himself with the conditions of the compromise.

Taking the problem out of the dungeon and talking it over again is also highly recommended. What was his problem with the original compromise? Try to pin him down, no matter how much he squirms. Most men just don’t like to talk about these things, and many find it difficult to articulate their feelings. Ask him questions to help him along. Suggest reasons for his discomfort. Even if your questions or reasons are wrong, two things could happen: one, you will know that that was not a reason, and two, hearing your not-quite-right reasons might help him to better express what the right reasons are.