Characteristics of the Domina

The Inner Domina

The qualities of the inner self of the domina are very much like those of her regular everyday self. After all, she is the same person and if she is sensitive and caring in her light life, those same qualities would be apparent when in her dark persona. A sense of inner peace and harmony with her dark personas w'ould be excellent—a balance of the warrior and the poet in her soul. She should also be intelligent and possess that ever-elusive quality, common sense. It goes without saying that the devi domina should possess a wicked imagination, be very creative, and be able to think on her feet. The divine domina is able to dominate the submissive with nothing more than her hands and her mind control, or perhaps a little bit of string that she uses to immobilize his wrists in five seconds flat (which would make the old guard very happy). She is highly aw'are of her submissive, she reads his body for cues and clues, even though it may not show.

Independence is another good quality in a domina. It is particularly important that the domina be independent and in control of her everyday life. Then she has the strength, knowledge, creativity, and now’ (with the help of my books, and fortified by her previous experiences), the ability to import this quality into the BDSM scene, She knows she cannot control another if she is not in control of herself. So her independence helps to establish her persona. Another very important inner quality is her understanding, not only of the physical scene to be enacted but also of its possible emotional impact. The good domina knows that scenes are never to be enacted for revenge, vengeance, or spite, or to give the submissive the feeling that she despises him. Scenes are for the pleasure and betterment of both parties, and if one of them isn't having a good time, something is wrong.

The devi domina is also clever and subtle, and uses all of her dominant feminine wiles to make her submissive yearn for more, and want to please her in every way possible, all the while never giving him the feeling that she is in the least bit obligated to him.

The Extrinsic Domina

This is the outer self you present to the submissive. F.ven if he is your husband, your regular partner, or a regular playmate with whom you are not in a committed relationship, his first impression of you when you walk into the room or greet him is very important If you are the Goddess, you must dress, coif, accessorize, hold yourself, act and speak as if you really are the Goddess. And where does that look really start? It is the look in your eyes. Your eyes convey who you are and thus, how you expect to be treated. What one look can convey! Wicked imagination, intelligence, aloofness, strength, competence, unattainability, warmth, cruelty. ... If you want to see what really great looks look like, watch some Marlene Dietrich movies, or Gone With the Wind, with Vivien Leigh as the South's first Grand Domina, Katie Scarlett O’Hara. Bette Davis gave good looks, so did Lauren Bacall. A look can freeze him in his tracks, convey a command, make his heart beat faster with desire, or promise him sweet reward.

Next is the way you earn' yourself, in particular your posture, especially in those shoes. Make sure your center ol gravity is still in your waist and hips, and that your shoulders are in direct line with your hips. Your shoulders shouldn’t be pitched forward, a tendency caused by wearing high platform shoes. I walked around balancing a book on my head until I had perfected the “walk.” If you took ballet, this will be easy for you. The correct posture can add an inch or two to your height and thereby add to your presence. Height in a domina is highly respected and very desirable. But things are what they are, and what if you are not tall? Aha! There is an old witch practitioner's trick, called “the glamour,“ which is very simple and quite harmless in the context in which you will he using it. Best of all, the glamour can be put on anyone, including yourself, and you don't need any special stuff to do it. The glamour is a combination of visual effects, like the platform shoes concealed under a floor-sweeping gown, hair and makeup and wardrobe, but most important, it is the image you project of yourself. Walk tall, do the swan thing with your neck, hold yourself elegantly, and project with your eyes the image you wish to create. If you w'alk into the room like you own it, own it you will. You have probably done this many limes without even knowing it. What I call the “glamour,” you would call "rising to the occasion."

Of course, another characteristic essential to the good domina is raw erotic power. It is so strong, she exudes it and the submissive is bathed in its aroma. In other words, her pheromones are high and he can smell her power, just like any other beast in the forest can smell his superior. But this does not mean she is careless or unthinking; if her submissive begs for an activity that she feels is unsafe, she has the sense and strength to refuse him. As the domina, she is responsible for his safety. She speaks to him in a low voice, making sure he has to listen carefully to ensure he gets her instructions right the first time. She doesn’t like to repeat herself.

And last but certainly not least, is the domina’s appearance. The good domina has her own preparation ritual, just as the good submissive does, but since hers was covered in an earlier book we need not go into it here. Let’s talk about wardrobe. I love to talk about wardrobe. What response do you want your outfit to evoke? If you want different responses in different scenarios, which one do you wish to elicit tonight? Since you have been playing BDSM for some time now, you may have acquired a real fetish “wardrobe." I know fetishwear can be expensive, and if you are not a professional sensual female dominant, it may be hard to justify the expenditure. But your wardrobe is so very important! I often find things that are nice for “home players” in catalogs, and now with the Internet putting the world at your disposal, you can browse the fetish shops for sale merchandise from the comfort of your own home. Buy one piece that can be accessorized in different ways: buy a waist cincher for one look, gloves for another, then wear both of them together. Look for a floor-length velvet or PVC coat as a cover-up for your lingerie. But even in a business suit, you can establish the right presence if you can project yourself into the part of “lady lawyer.” All I am saying is that your look, whatever it may be, is very important for establishing your persona—so dress to thrill. As my dear friend the Baroness is so fond of saying, “Every occasion to dress is an occasion to overdress."

Your extrinsic self should also project the inner qualities needed to make you a good domina. These qualities would be your intelligence and wicked imagination; your common sense, sensitivity, and caring; and your ability to read his body for cues and clues. Make your own inner peace with your dominant personas project itself onto him, and he will feel it.