Collars, collaring in Master/slave Relationships

Collars are like deviled eggs. People either love them or hate them. Velocity, for instance, hates them. “I can’t even stand to wear a turtleneck,” she told me. “Or a choker or even have my head up against a pillow case.” Personally, I love rockin’ a collar out of the sheer narcissistic thrill that comes from knowing others enjoy the way collars look. Plus, thanks to visionary fashion designer Vivienne Westwood, what greater punk rock accessory is there than the spiked dog collar?

The “collar as accessory” look has since been adopted by Goths, Steampunks, and, when glowing, by Ravers. Teen Vogue (yes, I have a subscription) just featured an article titled “10 Ways to Wear Cute Collars.” But in the end, Ms. Westwood said it best: “Fashion is about eventually becoming naked.”

What do you put on that others will want to take off? Or, what do you put on that others will want to leave on while he or she takes everything else off you? With fans of BDSM, a collar is often the answer.

Whether it’s assless chaps or a bikini showing off your best features, everyone likes to be admired. Collars are a great way to show off an elegant, swanlike neck and feminine clavicle. When a collar is worn on a dude, there is an appeal to seeing the “stronger sex” reduced to a pet (or if you have a gladiator getup fetish, that’s also quite appealing).

Unfortunately, when I sat down with my friends to discuss collars and innocently made the deviled egg reference, all anyone could talk about was deviled eggs. Few foods manage to stir up the kind of emotion exhibited upon the mention of deviled eggs. This seemingly benign finger food stirs up more impassioned debates than foie gras and veal combined. There are no deviled egg converts. The taste for them is not an acquired taste, something you can grow into or accept into your palate later in life. Whatever your first opinion of deviled eggs is, it’s an opinion you will take to your grave and you will disrupt even a BDSM collar-related discussion to go into great, gory detail about the sensory experience of eating one in an attempt to horrify any D.E. hater standing within earshot.

“This is not Fifty Shades of Deviled Eggs people! Please focus on collars!” I announced to the rabblerousing crowd of weirdos in my apartment (Stormy, Mr. Hall, Scooter, and Velocity). For the record, I hate deviled eggs.

The general consensus amongst the collar-haters in the room is that they felt “choked” wearing them. My only real issue with collars is that when they are too big, they make it look like I’m being treated for whiplash. (Again, I just wanna look pretty!)

But Mr. Hall made a very important point about BDSM collars (as opposed to collars as accessories) and that is that they are a symbolic gesture of submission. A sub who wears a collar to symbolize his or her relationship with another is said to be “collared.” Some people conduct formal “collaring ceremonies,” which are almost like BDSM wedding ceremonies wherein the collar is much like a wedding ring (but cheaper and without the hassle of a 50 percent divorce rate).

Most BDSM collars are made of black leather and have metal D rings or O rings attached to them. (And by O ring, I don’t mean “asshole,” but rather the bit of metal hardware shaped like an “O.” Just so we’re on the same page ...) This makes it easy to leash your sub and take your partner for a walk even if it’s just a walk around the bedroom or a tug in the direction of your crotch. It’s never wise to chain the sub’s collar to anything if it’s overhead and especially if the sub is wearing high heels or has poor balance. Also make sure the collar isn’t too tight.

In serious BDSM circles, there is strict etiquette revolving around the collar issue. They insist that collars be “locking” and that no Dom should wear a collar even as an accessory. Many “old school” BDSM folks’ asses are chapped by the abundance of flimsy collars with Velcro snaps out there and vanilla teens running around in studded collars they just bought at Hot Topic. If you’ve devoted many years to a Master/slave (Can I Just Have a Sandwich?) relationship, I can see how this might irritate, but the fact is BDSM is becoming more mainstream every day, so not everyone is going to know “the rules,” much like I don’t know “the rules” for “capturing the heart of Mr. Right.”

Also, I find the idea that people have to be in a “partnership” to enjoy collars somewhat limiting. Not everybody is prepared to make the commitment. Some people just wanna wear collars, damn it!

“Professionally,” I spent many an hour on my hands and knees being led by leash to whatever throne or ottoman my Master (for that particular session) chose to sit upon. Not exactly something to put on my resume, but it was often erotic to step down from the lofty pedestal where many a dude hath placed me. Despite my enjoyment of this scenario, I have never been a “collared slave.” My nature is just too rebellious.

But never say “never.” If I’ve learned anything doing sex work, performance art, and everything in between, it’s to expect the unexpected—even from myself. Maybe in another forty years I’ll be sporting a collar at the nursing home.

For the time being, the only collars I’ve worn have been play collars, a generic term for collars used during BDSM activity and not necessarily to display being committed to someone else. These collars only stay on for as long as the activity continues.

Collaring in Master/slave Relationships

In serious BDSM Master/slave relationships, there are different stages of collaring—sort of like the different stages of dating without the tedious “dating” part. Not all Dom/sub relationships are the same, and obviously collars are going to have different meanings to different people.

This is where the Dom shows what he or she expects from the sub and where both can start to gauge whether it’s going to work out. Sometimes this stage can involve living in sin! If you’ve gotten to this point, both of you likely have chemistry, which is the one thing you can’t fake. You can pretend to like someone or even love them, but chemistry is what happens when normally dormant atoms within the genitals and brain spring to life upon meeting someone.

So once you know you both have chemistry, you now must ask yourselves a few hard questions to save years of misery, wasted emotional energy, and regret. Do you have the same boundaries? How far do you want to go with the “training?” Now is the time to negotiate.

Other times, a training collar quite simply symbolizes a relationship where the Dom is “training” the sub in a specific area of service like housecleaning or even taking it in the ass. In other instances, a submissive may wear one while being trained by Doms who do not “own” them—sort of like in Story of O when O was trained at Roissy.

Shock Collars

While looking at a million blogs and websites that discuss training collars, I came upon a disturbing, creepy trend: the use of shock collars as “training collars” on humans, mostly women. First and foremost, I would never support the use of a shock collar on a dog, cat, or other four-legged friend and much as I am a misanthrope at times, I would never support their use on a human either.

Sadly, as long as they are legal, idiots and assholes will buy them and use them to replace proper long-term training of their pets. Still other assholes and idiots will use them on people—including children—as a form of “punishment.” No human or animal ever deserves to wear one.

Slave Collar

This is the “real deal” representing the final stage of commitment. For subs it represents their devotion to their Doms, and for the Doms it represents pride in their slaves. For both partners, it can also represent a desire to share each other’s lives in a power exchange. Often a “collaring” ceremony is involved. Much like a wedding (again without the divorce rate, hideous bridesmaids’ dresses, or annoying relatives in attendance), it is a celebration that friends and other members of the BDSM community often attend though it can also be done in private.

At this level, the collar symbolizes the Dom’s commitment to care for the sub and be responsible for him or her. Meanwhile, acceptance of the collar by the sub is an offering of what else? Submission. This collar is supposed to be worn at all times because it symbolizes a 24/7 “sandwich” relationship. It is therefore not always a large leather affair with the word SLAVE emblazoned upon it in red. Often it is a simple metal chain and sometimes it is body art—the modern day, kinky equivalent of having your girl’s name tattooed on your arm. Many a slave has professed to enjoy sleeping in their collars, especially when enfolded in the protective arms of their Dom. So, if you happen to be out collar-shopping for your sub, consider getting them something as comfy as an old pair of pajamas.

Of course, when it comes to BDSM, the only hard and fast rule that I believe everyone should abide by is “safe, sane, and consensual.” As I said in the introduction, let your freak flag fly! Don’t be afraid to experiment because if you can’t experiment in the BDSM scene, where else are you gonna do it?

Various Other Types of Collars—No Relationship Necessary

There are an infinitesimal amount of collars out there, a few of which aren’t even collars at all. Perhaps one of them suits your lifestyle better than the aforementioned traditional set. Maybe you don’t have a partner and just want to play. Maybe you do have a partner, but like my friend, Velocity, you can’t even deal with turtlenecks. Maybe you just want to announce to the world that you love BDSM. There are many ways to do this ... I am sure there are ones I have never even heard of.

Ring of O — Much like the ring in Lord of the Rings, a Ring of O has great power. I should know because, Annie, my partner in crime at the Chelsea, wore one and she could convince me to do pretty much anything she liked. I felt like Gollum in her presence.

The Ring of O is a specially designed ring that has been worn as a distinctive mark in the BDSM community since the 1990s. The name derives (of course) from the ring worn by O in Story of O, though the ring in the novel has a different symbolic meaning than the one worn by BDSM folk today. In the book, the ring is worn by female “slaves” who have finished their training at Roissy and are therefore obliged to be obedient to any man who belongs to the secret society of Roissy. Today, people wear such rings to denote that they are interested in BDSM and to wordlessly share whether they are Tops or bottoms.

Though not a crucial bit of info and probably something you’ll never be asked on Jeopardy, it should be noted that the ring in the novel is an iron signet ring with a triskelion symbol on the top. It is a Celtic symbol consisting of three legs or lines radiating from the center. The symbol is said to have several meanings including “man’s progress” and the circle of life, death, and birth, but I think the “third leg” has a pretty obvious meaning. The modern ring has no triskelion on it, but is rather a simple cylindrical steel ring with a little O ring attached (again, an O-shaped piece of metal, not an asshole).

A Protective Collar — This shows that a Dom is protecting the sub who is wearing the collar. It acts like a safety net when the sub feels uncomfortable in certain social situations. Maybe the sub has been in an abusive relationship and someone is bothering or harassing him or her. This collar basically sends a “lay the fuck off my sub” message to the world. So if a sub is at a club (this sounds like Dr. Seuss!) where old men with tampons up their asses are being crass jackasses, this collar makes a sub feel like he or she is free from bother.

Neck Corsets — Both women and men wear neck corsets—lots of Goth women and men actually. Often they are simply out and about, lookin’ cool in fetish clothing. As the name would suggest, a neck, corset (sometimes called a throat corset or neck lacer) is a type of corset worn fitted around the neck. However, unlike a waist corset, it should be worn loosely to prevent not being able to breathe and, thus, dying.

Cyber Collar — This was bound to happen and many BDSM players aren’t happy about it—the cyber collar. It is what the Internet has wrought. But given I spend about seventy-five hours a week on Facebook, who am I to judge?

Basically, people meet in specialized chat rooms or on BDSM sites and have cyber Dom/sub relationships. This is a world I will admit to knowing nothing about. What I do know is that I am lucky enough to live in a city full of millions of people where I am part of a creative circle of individuals who are kinky, creative, bohemian, outspoken, artistic, fun, and amazing so I have never searched for a partner on the web.

However, I know there are people who live in say, Alaska, or other less populated areas, who might want to have their cock and balls tortured or their titties clamped and they must be hellishly frustrated. So they find partners on the web! While this might be a cure for loneliness, ennui, and existential angst, it isn’t always a good idea—and not necessarily for the reasons that seem to piss off so many BDSM practitioners.

I found many bloggers bitching about how “lightly” cyber partners took the “collaring ritual” along with complaints of how so many online subs were “greedily” trolling for as many “cyber collars” as possible. Some bloggers also seemed bothered by the fact that too many vanilla people were invading the turf of lifestyle BDSM practitioners.

While searching the web, I started to feel like West Side Story with the vanilla “BDSM curious” people and the “sandwich” people role-playing the Sharks and the Jets. Maybe I have a little too much empathy for the lonely, horny people who get into BDSM antics online, but I have no problem with the vanilla, yet curious, crowd checking out the scene. (In fact, I would consider myself somewhere in between. I can take and enjoy a caning, but don’t want to wear a collar to bed ... at least not yet.)

What I do have a problem with is the fact that BDSM involves physical and emotional risks and on the web that risk is doubled. Know who you are getting into a chat room with and what you are doing. If you do agree to get together with a potential play partner, meet him a few times for some “straight time” in a social setting before you just hand him a flogger and tell him to have at it. But that’s pretty much all I can say on the subject because I am not Mark Zuckerberg and I have no power over what you see on the web, hence I will now end this public service announcement and talk to you about fisting.

(By the way, I also have no power over fisting but I can, at least, give you a helping hand .)