Types of BDSM Relationships

Now what happens when you get all these endorphins and folks—the Tops and bottoms, sadists and masochists, corporate execs in lingerie, Lilliputians in PVC, and switches—together? Magic, that’s what! That, and complicated relationships, for which there are innumerable definitions and titles. Attempting to list each variance would be like reciting the contents of the produce aisle at Whole Foods.

I’m guessing you and your BDSM partner are just beginning to play in the bedroom. This is what is commonly known as Bedroom D/s. It takes place during a set time frame, involves sensual Dominance and submission, and usually coincides with sex. There is no power exchange outside of the bedroom (or whatever room you choose to make nookie in). So, say your girlfriend occasionally enjoys being tied up and spanked before or while getting fucked—that in no way means you have the right to demand she hand you the remote without at least saying please.

There is also a chance you got this starter book because you are single and want to get involved in BDSM. In that case, it’s a good idea to know what types of relationships and scenarios are out there so you don’t suddenly find yourself sealed away in an inaccessible castle a la 120 Days of Sodom.

While researching this book, I held a “conference” at Mr. Hall’s apartment wherein I discussed BDSM with Mr. Hall and two of the hottest women on the planet: burlesque performers “Amanda Whip” and “Scooter Pie.” Both women have great expertise in BDSM. Amanda has worked as a pro Dom for a several years and is generally a kinky lesbian with a great imagination. (And she recently posed for a racy Penthouse pictorial that accompanied a story I wrote for them.) Scooter Pie is also a kinky self-professed slut who has worked as a pro Dom off and on for years. Plus, she’s something of a sexpert, given she worked at the sex toy superstore Babeland for three years.

I thought, since I have been mostly submissive, it would be a good idea to discuss BDSM with this kooky panel, who are all far more dominant than me. (I also secretly hoped our conference would end in an orgy, which it didn’t because I had to go home and work on this goddamned book.)

The first question I put out to the panel of sexperts was: “Why not just fuck? Why try BDSM?”

“Why eat only for nutrition?” Amanda asked in response.

One of many good points made that night. If sex is like strawberries, BDSM is chocolate-covered strawberries.

I also asked them what the most misunderstood things about BDSM are.

“People think anyone who is into it is just a drug-addicted whore,” Amanda answered succinctly.

Anyone who’s been part of a BDSM scene knows this isn’t the case. When doing it professionally, I did have some coworkers with substance abuse problems (half the world has them), but the majority of my coworkers were well-educated women who more often than not had their shit together and were working toward advanced degrees (albeit in totally unusable fields of study). Our clients were, for the most part, decent people. Most of them looked like they belonged in what we called the “vanilla world.” That’s one thing about BDSM— you never know who’s into it.

After a recent bondage story of mine was published in Penthouse, I got a Facebook message from a guy I’d been on the swim team with as a teenager and hadn’t heard from in years. It started: “Just read your story in Penthouse! Guess you never know who you’re getting in the water with! Great work!”

He was right on the money: You never know who you’re getting in the water with. Some of the most normal people I’ve dated (there haven’t been many) have had some of the weirdest kinks, whereas many of the freaks I’ve dated have been completely vanilla in the sack.

Scooter thought the greatest misconception regarding BDSM is that “people think it’s all about pain. They don’t get the nuances.”

As the acronym suggests it isn’t all about pain, but also about Dominance and submission. (This is why it’s sometimes just referred to as D/s, but for the sake of consistency, I use the term “BDSM” throughout.) So if BDSM isn’t all about pain, what is it about? In a word: power. And human beings value power more than sex. If we didn’t, anytime there was a squabble about territory or food, we’d just fuck like bonobo chimpanzees, for who sex functions in conflict appeasement. (They truly get the slogan “Make Love, Not War.” I hope to be reincarnated as one.)

So then what are the power dynamics of BDSM? Together, we four pervs (Amanda, Scooter, Mr. Hall, and I) discussed the nuances along with the many types of BDSM relationships and several other topics to be covered later. Note that these relationships are not limited by gender or sexual identity. The BDSM community is a welcoming one, where all that’s required to be a part of it is a willingness to identify with it. But in terms of relationships and scenarios, there are many varieties out there. During our discussion, we made an effort to identify the very basics.