How to find a BDSM partner?

Broaching the Subject with Your Partner

Say you’ve been fantasizing about BDSM for years and you finally get up the courage to share your fantasies with your partner only to find out he/she just isn’t into it. What do you do? The answer is obvious—cheat! (Just kidding.) Honesty is (almost) always the best policy, so tell your partner what you think and feel. This takes courage, but BDSM has recently become more mainstream and (motivational poster time) anything worth doing usually takes courage. I have a magnet on my fridge that says, “Ask for what you want. You just might get it.” This is practically a no-fail policy unless you are into something exhausting like being an adult baby or being shat on.

An even better policy than honesty is flattery, so be sure to tell your lover how much you’d love to see her gorgeous body tied up or how much you’d love her gorgeous body to tie you up. Use the word “beautiful” as often as possible and there shouldn’t be a problem. However, don’t nag and don’t bring up your kink every waking second. It will drive your partner crazy (not in a good way).

You can also broach the subject by watching dirty movies together and making subtle suggestions. Maybe say, “Adrian Lyne is an incredibly underrated director. Let’s watch everything he’s ever directed including Nine and 1/2 Weeks.” Then, as you watch Mickey Rourke rub ice up and down Kim Bassinger’s naked body, you mention, “Hey, this retro ’80s behavior is kinda hot. Can you please get some ice out of the freezer?” I cannot imagine this not working.

Maybe you did read Fifty Shades of Grey (last time I bring it up, I swear) and it made you moist or heavy. Work up the nerve to say to your partner, “I’d like to be tied up like the chick in Fifty Shades of Grey. Let’s go to the hardware store and buy some rope.” Make it a fun, conspiratorial “field trip” as you both share in the secret knowledge that you are at Home Depot for reasons other than home improvement.

There are also a number of ways you can nonverbally communicate what you’d like to gauge your partner’s interest in BDSM, especially during intercourse. If you are dominant, try lightly pinning your partner’s hands down as you make love to him or her or try very lightly pulling his or her hair. (Lightly is the key word. I still have a pinched nerve from when an inconsiderate lover ambushed me with a surprise hair-pull attack. Made for a somewhat uncomfortable trip to the doctor.) One great method for pulling hair that won’t send your partner to a chiropractor is to gently slide your hand up the back of his or her neck, spread your fingers slowly and squeeze the hair close to the scalp. Never yank someone’s hair.

If you are submissive, you can gauge your partner’s interest in domination by putting your hands above your head while “doing it” to see if he or she pins you down. Other nonverbal hints could be as simple as placing a coil of rope on the nightstand next to the bed or hanging a riding crop from your door.

Ultimately, if your partner is truly your soul mate, you should support whatever decision he or she makes. If your partner isn’t into it, you can always fantasize and jack yourself silly on your own time. If your partner happens to be a horrible person, then it might be time to move on and find someone who shares your kink.

Finding Someone New to Play With

In terms of where to meet people with similar kinks, it seems FetLife is the BDSM dating website of choice (the “Facebook of kink”) though I’ve heard (from many hot, horny, kinky people) that they’ve been unable to find love there.

If you live in a city, maybe just do it the old-fashioned way: go to bars and actually talk to people. This is becoming a rare, lost art, but there are plenty of fetish parties out there just waiting for you. In more populated areas, you can find local clubs devoted to S&M. These are fun—not always sexy but fun. So think of a trip to one as an adventure and keep your expectations low.

For example ...

Mr. Hall recently told me of a time when he took a lady friend to the Hellfire Club, a (now closed) once popular heterosexual-friendly BDSM club that flourished in New York City’s meatpacking district.

“We just weren’t ready to see an old man with a tampon up his ass,” Mr. Hall explained. “Not to be too full of ourselves but we were the youngest and possibly the hottest couple there, so people started following us around with their dicks out. We weren’t turned on, but we didn’t want to leave without having some fun. .

“So we went into one of the rooms and I turned her towards the wall. Then I just started clapping my hands together so it seemed as if I were spanking her.

A large crowd ... most of the club surrounded us and then I turned around and clapped to them, revealing that there was no spanking at all. We were greeted with a mix of disappointment and dumbfounded silence. Many people put their dicks away.”

He added, as an addendum to the story, that he felt shitty about his trickery. “They were mostly nice people,” he said. “I went back there many times afterward and had a great, bonerific time.”

If you happen to live in a town with a population of forty where everyone is a prude, either get the hell out of dodge or do go online and start doing research.

You might meet someone on the web who shares your fetishes and desires, but with whom you share nothing else. Make sure you have more in common than a butt plug collection before meeting up for a liaison. Nothing will kill desire faster than bad conversation.

Having never dated online (or even “hooked up” with anyone online), I asked my friends for online dating/hook up stories and advice. One friend simply responded, “Do you want the ‘600 lb guy at the Chinese buffet’ story or the ‘I’d really like to be in your panties’ story? This is why I decided to get married.”

Although this is a book about BDSM and not finding a life partner, wouldn’t it be nice to find a partner who you can treat and honor you like a god or goddess outside of the bedroom and like a wild, kinky slut in the bedroom? When writing a personal ad, it’s best to be totally honest about what you really look like, whether you have any sexually transmitted diseases, addiction issues, or are married with children. In fact, you might even want to send crappy photos of yourself so that when your prospective partner sees how unbelievably beautiful you are in real life, he or she will be blown away.

The descriptions of my friend’s failed dates say a lot, but do not despair. After I finish writing this chapter, I’m going to crash the wedding reception of a couple who met on eHarmony. Success stories happen every day, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be careful in the meantime.

What You Should Have Learned

If you already have a partner, be subtle and honest in your approach. Many people are shy, especially when it comes to sex. Even couples who’ve been married for twenty years sometimes have trouble communicating what they want, but if you don’t ask for what you want, you’ll never get it.

If you don’t have a partner, take the same approach—one of directness—but be cautious because the world, and especially the Internet, is full of maniacs or worse—boring people!

One last, extremely important bit of advice: If you are married and in a highprofile position of power, don’t email or text nekkid or even shirtless pictures of yourself to prospective partners lest you end up jobless, on TMZ, and paying alimony out the ass.

*If you live in New York City, we actually have free, official NYC condoms. They’re not “ribbed for her pleasure,” mint-flavored, studded, or anything fancy, but they work just fine. You can get bags of five hundred from the Gay Men’s Health Crisis or simply grab a handful at most bars and clubs. It will save you that uncomfortable trip to the bodega at 2 am—not to mention your hard-earned cash. In this recession, free condoms are to sex what government cheese is to dairy goodness. Certain clinics like Planned Parenthood also provide free condoms, so go get ’em!