The Rituals of Masochism

Masochism is a spiritual fantasy, enacted in the flesh, and it too has its ritualistic aspects. Ritualism and spirituality are not strangers to each other. In many masochistic fantasies everything must be just right to achieve the desired effect; the best way to achieve the desired effect is to perform a ritual. And just as they have been for thousands of years, rituals are still being performed today. Where does one find more ritual than in a religious setting, or in a spiritual one? For our purposes, the more imaginative the fantasy, the more apparent the ritualistic features. Some masochistic fantasies are centered on the literal sacrifice of the self for a higher purpose, or to serve a god or goddess, or for the blood lust of the crowd. In this type of fantasy, the humiliation of the masochistic fantasy is always the same although the window dressing and scenarios frequently change to keep the fantasy fresh and exciting.

Rituals of Dress

One ritual of masochism is manner of dress. The visual appeal of the dominant is important to the masochist. To the romantic masochist, the attire of the dominant symbolizes her superior position and accentuates his inferior one. The dominant must appear to be cruel, to be a “bad girl” (the type his mother warned him about!), and possess a raw energy that he can relate to and get in touch with. Attire can help to accomplish this persona. The proper footwear, such as stilettos, spike heels, thigh-high boots, and fetish shoes, imparts an air of cruelty to the female dominant; earth shoes and flat-heeled, sensible shoes just don't cut it. The stiletto heel digging into his prostrate body or heaving chest, the pointy toe of the shoe that can kick or be kissed, or the soiled and dirty sole of the shoe crystallizes her look. The outrageous shoes that are constantly in touch with the ground, and hence are “dirty,” are a symbol of her dominance and sexuality.

The corset is also another powerful visual aphrodisiac to the masochist. After the 1950s, no one bothered with corsetry much anymore; no one except those into BDSM. A corset is sexy body armor that makes its wearer look exceedingly feminine. The dominant's breasts are thrust up and forward, her waist is nipped in, and her buttocks flair out enticingly from beneath the corset—all of which serve to heighten her visual appeal to the masochist. The cruel dominant woman is supposed to look extremely glamorous as she is the embodiment of libidinous power. Other wardrobe items that embody the power of the Cruel Woman would include not only traditionally elaborate fetish dress in latex, leather, or PVC, but can also embrace the wearing of furs; ball gowns; opera gloves; opulent garments made of satin, silk, velvet, or lace; and lots of expensive jewelry. The Cruel Woman is the flip side of the nurturing mommy-type. Whatever her manner of dress, she will never look like the girl next door.

Rilual Settings

Another ritualistic element of masochism is the setting in which the scenario is to take place. As you can imagine, these settings vary widely and often change with each masochistic fantasy. One popular setting is a lady's boudoir, resplendent in deep red or dark purple drapes with the walls painted in a similarly dark color. On the floor, Aubusson-style rugs are piled one on top of the other; her stiletto heels leave imprints in them as she moves around the room. The bed is covered in satin sheets with an almost hedonistic number of pillows strewn on it and on the floor. The lighting is low and atmospheric; sometimes the only illumination comes from the dozens of candles in the room. A vase of exotic flowers, like roses and star-gazer lilies, graces a table or the Cruel Womans vanity table. The setting is a combination of Victorian and sleaze and one feels sexual just stepping inside of it. Just walking into this room or thinking of it is exciting to the masochist: he has stepped into another world—the Domain of the Cruel Woman.

Or imagine a small room, somewhat claustrophobic, perhaps in the attic, with just an old mattress (perhaps even a soiled one) tossed carelessly in the middle of the floor. Dust bunnies hide in the corners, a spider has taken up residence between two of the beams, a bare red lightbulb is the only illumination, and the room has an air of delinquency. It is a torture chamber under the eaves, far from the street and the rest of the house, where one’s pleasurable perversions of being down in the dirt can be enacted in privacy. Another popular selling for a masochistic fantasy is the Cruel Woman’s dungeon. lmagine a subterranean chamber, windowless, painted and carpeted black, a timeless environment where day is indistinguishable from night, where screams and pleading cannot be heard by outsiders and will be ignored by the dominant. Except for the Cruel Womans elaborate throne, the furnishings are Inquisition-like: an X-frame or crucifix, an iron cage, a bondage rack or chair or table, a suspension device, and chains hanging from the ceilings. The decorations are whips, paddles, canes, nipple clamps, cock-and-ball-lorture toys, electrical torture devices for inside and outside of the body, hoods, gas masks, ropes, leather wrist and ankle restraints, dildos, butt plugs, and a myriad of other implements to delight the masochist. Upon entering this underground chamber, the masochist falls to his knees (literally and/or figuratively), trembling in anticipation of accepting the Cruel Woman's desires.

The above describes two important ingredients in the masochistic fantasy: the visual aspects of the Cruel Woman and a choice of environments in which the scenario can be played out. The first visual—that of the Cruel Woman—places her in her role as tormentor. In her role, she takes positions that clearly define her as the dominant partner: a towering height imparted by her fetish or platform shoes, the ability to quell the masochist with a look, a wave of her hand in a dismissive gesture that sends the masochist scurrying to the farthest comer of the room, or reduces him to a trembling mass at her feet. The second, the fantasy environment, is as important as the appearance of the Cruel Woman herself. The proper setting, whichever one it may be, impresses upon the masochist that the fantasy has moved out of his head and is now in the realm of possibility, and fulfillment.

Personal Rituals

Manner of dress and the setting could be described as only two parts of the masochist’s ritual. The third ritual may be about himself—a private ritual he performs before entering the presence of the top.

He may perform a bathing ritual that incorporates at least four of the five prerequisites. While he showers and washes his hair, he will be eroticizing the event to come, imagining the postures he will assume and hold with or without restraints and the subsequent rise and fall of the lash. As he shaves, he will be fantasizing about the way the scene plays, not like the smooth roll of vanilla sex, but in ritualized vignettes, a pause while the next posture (both his and hers) is assumed, and the vignette changes and reinvents itself. When he steps into her presence, he feels shiny and clean on the outside and this, too, becomes part of his sacrifice to the higher power as he readies himself to get down in the dirt. Once in the presence of the Cruel Woman, he will be stripped of, or made to strip himself of, his clothes, stripping away a layer of pride at the same time. The variations on the scene are endless but the end result is always the same, no matter the route.

Clearly, masochistic fantasies can become quite elaborate and ritualized as lime passes and new aspects are added. Masochism, spirituality, and ritual, with its sense of worship and aspects of submission, are all deeply related. If one of these three stars in the belt of Orion is missing, then masochism would lose its vital connection to the soul. By ignoring masochism’s ideals, its ancient values, and its idea of chivalry—by ignoring its spirituality— masochism will become pain without passion, without higher purpose, or without learning value. In doing this, “masochism” is left with only the negative, unhealthy definition that the general public perceives. If masochism is viewed as a sin or pathological condition, or as a condition that needs to be "cured," you have overlooked the healing values of living behind the veil. If you ignore the spirituality and ritual of masochism, if you ignore it as a path to the deeper motives and needs of your soul, then you are left with nothing other than unromantic, unreflective, violent sex.

Masochism and the Pleasure of Humiliation

It could be said that a second, and integral, element of masochism is humiliation. Deep in the midnight-purple world behind the veil, our humiliation fantasies are the last piece needed for a deconstruction of ego, the controlled yearn for a downward spiral to gain expanded knowledge of the self. Though our humiliation fantasies may shame us, it is the shame itself that is one source of our sexual excitement. Our humiliation fantasies are among the most exciting because only we know what buttons to press to make these fantasies sexually satisfying, emotionally empowering, and gratifying experiences. Our fantasies of humiliation could include being verbally humiliated, physically humiliated (like being slapped, spit on, stripped in public, or publicly disciplined), or ritualistically humiliated.

In masochistic humiliation, one can find pleasure in the loss of old tired self-images and attitudes. When playing SM games, one needs to communicate ones desires to one's partner so one can have those desires fulfilled. Giving voice to these fantasies breathes life into them; to confess them aloud to another makes them all the more real for us, and the confession is part of the humiliation. Some may say that the humiliation fell in romantic masochism is not "real"; that the fact that it is a fantasy, not a reality, doesn’t make the scenario humiliating. I don’t agree with this at all. The fantasy scenario can provide a safe environment in which to act out the humiliation, but the humiliation felt is quite real. And if we keep our deliciously dirty little fantasies to ourselves then how can we feel humiliated by the confession— and where is the pleasure in it? But we are creatures who love to fantasize, my friend! We need, and enjoy, our fantasy productions and our pleasure is constantly refining, redefining, and reinventing itself. The humiliation to the receiver is real no matter how far-fetched, or controlled, the fantasy scenario may be to another. The fantasy reflects the dreamer’s humiliation and shame, as well as his pleasure and excitement.

Spirituality and Ritual

We have discussed rituals as part of our SM fantasies, and the word ritual has sacred resonance. Our deepest sexual secrets are sacred to us and the sharing and enacting of those secrets can be like our own private religion. SM sex is a spiritual experience and. like a religion, has mystery and symbolism, rites and ceremonies. The fantasy-enactment can wring from us. and endow us with, enormous physical and emotional intensity. To open ourselves in this way, to give up or go past our usual boundaries, to drop our complex system of defenses, expands our self-awareness. The expanding of two consciousnesses through the SM sexual experience can make you realize that there is no time when you are separated from your sexuality and that sex is spiritual.

I sought to find spirituality through SM, because at a very early age, I ceased to subscribe to organized religions' credos that the mind should deny the body. (I have a nice body, I like it, why should I ignore it because the people the higher power has working for him said so? Maybe they got the message wrong.) I believe that the mind and body work in tandem after the mind gets things on the path. Trying to separate the mind from the body can create a void that alienates people from themselves and from society. In a loving relationship, SM can be a bridge across that void and a span built into the innermost self. For those whom organized religion holds no meaning, combining SM, spirituality, and ritual can provide an alternative path to inner spirituality and worship that has been crafted to the needs of the individual.

Prior to the ritual, one may feel caught in a rut, bored with ones daily routine. One senses that there is more to life than the ordinary and the mundane, and being a member of The Church of Sadomasochistic Spirituality and Ritual can evoke very strong emotions. In days long gone, spirituality and eroticism were intertwined, inextricably part of each other, but as I said earlier, mind (spirituality) has become separated from body (eroticism and sexual pleasure) and enacting an SM ritual can reunite the two. Some are drawn to the spirituality of the SM experience because it can make, and keep, a promise of physical experience. The promise of physical experience can be more important, and more enticing, than all the dogma and creeds in the world. Some are drawn to seek spirituality through SM because of the mental testing the experience can provide. Others explore SM and spirituality because they are attracted to the personalized rituals one can create in the sadomasochistic experience. As you can imagine, one may want to explore SM and spirituality, or seek spirituality through the SM experience, for one or more or all of these reasons. Many times these reasons overlap.

Outside the SM arena, there are very few ways to attain a state of spirituality through physical and/or emotional rites of passage. By combining spirituality, ritual, and SM, one can define what is needed for your personal development.