Voice commands in BDSM. How to Train Your Filthy Mouth

(It’s not just a bitchin’ Poison song ...)

I’ve read plenty of books about sex. (Shocking, I know.) And many of these books advocate the use of “dirty talk.” Though I’m a good talker, I used to fail miserably when it came to dirty talk. Then, while attending an orgy (one of many I went to for “research” while working as a columnist), I met a man who called himself the Headmaster. He suggested that for my next column, I enroll in his S&M academy, the Princess Reform School, which I mentioned earlier.

Unlike other reform schools, which are devoted to making bad students good, Princess Reform School is dedicated to making good students bad. Before our first lesson, the Headmaster requested I list and rank my “problem areas.” Was I too modest, too bratty, or too haughty? Perhaps I was insufficiently skilled in erotic service? The ranking would help determine emphasis in my lesson. Despite the fact that I’d gotten naked in a good 50 percent of my columns, I was still a shrinking violet when it came to public nudity, so modesty ranked high. Shyness while engaging in dirty talk, sexual laziness, and a general insolence toward authority also made the top of the list.

The Headmaster surveyed my list and then gave me my first homework assignment. Homework? I shuddered at the thought, but thankfully PRS homework didn’t involve memorizing dates or learning times tables. Instead it entailed going to a Barnes & Noble wearing a miniskirt sans panties. Once there I was to peruse a wealth of information found in two books he highly recommended—Erotic Surrender: The Sensual Joys of Female Submission by Claudia Varrin and Talk Dirty to Me: An Intimate Philosophy of Sex by Sallie Tisdale.

Of course, it was the windiest day of the year, so on the way there, I shocked an entire double-decker bus full of tourists by inadvertently exposing my hairless clam. But once there, I found the required reading, slid onto a wooden chair (praying a splinter wouldn’t pierce my labia), and learned quite a bit about dirty talk.

One of the most important techniques was that of “call and response.” It makes dirty talk so much easier. Basically, the Dom asks you a question and you repeat the question in your response. (If you are the Dom, you actually have to think of the question, so it’s a bit tougher.)

See? Doesn’t take a whole lot of thought.

So as not to be sexist, let’s give an example of how a female Dom might use this technique with a male. (And then we’ll stop. I would love to go through the litany of every sexual variation, but this is an instructional guide, not some cheap porno mag!)

Easy enough. Note that in BDSM, manners are important. Always say “please” and “thank you” and find out what your Dom likes to be called beforehand. As a professional sub, I found that some Doms preferred “Master” while others preferred “Sir” or “Lord.” Weirdly, I always liked using “Lord,” possibly because I’ve read too much Tolkien or attended far too many Renaissance Faires.

Aside from “call and response,” there are plenty of other ways to ease into dirty talk. Try to avoid clinical words like vagina and penis. (I am forty and the word penis still makes me laugh.) Go instead for porn classics like cock and pussy. Or throw a little Tantric Sex in the mix and tell him you want every inch of his erect lingam. (Sanskrit for penis.) As someone who discovered the joys of Tantric Sex after years of BDSM play, I found that both have a lot in common in that they utilize sexual arousal to reach altered states of awareness. Both also take planning and time, though I can hardly think of time better spent.

Getting back to dirty talk, flattery, again, is a great policy. Tell your lover she has perfect tits and I guarantee her vertical smile will shine. And unless your lover likes to be verbally humiliated (we’re getting to that next), tell him he’s got a great cock.

And for the love of God, if you are going to sext, make sure you are sexting to the intended recipient—unless you want your roommate and everyone else in the pub to know that later you’d like your lover to blindfold, cuff, cane, and fuck you. (Not that I speak from experience or anything ...)

Another powerful tool in BDSM is silence. The best session I ever had was with a gentleman who, while in town on business, visited the “counseling center” for a session. He said only a few sentences to me over the course of an hour. “Bend over the horse,” “Are you wet?” and “Are you going to come?” were among them. Let’s just say I answered the final question in the affirmative.

The man knew how to give a good spanking and he was a true gentleman. No filthy tighty-whities on this one. He was well-groomed, sharply dressed, manicured, and clean. As mentioned previously, manners are important in BDSM, not just when speaking, but when dressing and preparing for a session. And since we’re going there ...