The Four Basic BDSM Food Groups

“Bedroom D/s” or “Vanilla” — Don’t want to be redundant, but again, this is kind of like “doing it” with a little kink. Maybe sometimes you drip hot wax on your partner or stick a butt plug in his ass while you are fucking him. Maybe you even call your lover a bitch or a slut while you’re fucking her, quite possibly while she has a butt plug in her ass or is wearing a blindfold or crotchless panties or even a Nixon mask or some other zany costume. Maybe you even call your lover a cum-guzzling, tea-bagging whore while she is wearing said Nixon mask and crotchless panties and has a butt plug in her ass. Maybe you have a butt plug in your ass—a vibrating one at that, and your lover is wearing a nun’s habit and a Nixon mask and crotchless panties and you are both calling each other cum-guzzling slut-bag whores while fucking. Point is “vanilla” means you don’t have the right to call each other bitches, sluts, or cum-guzzling, tea-bagging whores at a dinner party. You leave that shit in the bedroom.

“Casual Play” — It’s hardly fair to even call this a “relationship,” but casual play is when two people get together during a negotiated play time and do a “scene.” Maybe it only happens once. Maybe it happens at a party. Maybe there is no sex involved. Example: A friend of mine just “casually” got together with another friend and gave her a “session” for her birthday. He spanked and flogged her, got her endorphins going, and then the two hugged and ate cake. This type of BDSM play is like wearing jeans to work: very relaxing.

“Can I Just Have a Sandwich?” — This type of relationship is normally dubbed a Total Power Exchange (TPE) or sometimes it’s simply called 24/7. Both terms refer to a relationship where the Dom or owner has complete authority and influence over the submissive’s life and makes the majority of decisions. In most TPE relationships, the partners play at anytime and in anyplace. A 24/7 lifestyle is very demanding and will suck up most of your time and emotional energy, which is why I have renamed it “Can I Just Have a Sandwich?” The name is in honor of my friend, Mr. Hall, who was in a 24/7 relationship a few years back.

“Never again!” he exclaimed. “I got so tired of being the Master all the time and just wanted to have a sandwich, you know. I’d be filling up her dog bowl with water and just thinking, ‘Can’t I just relax and have a fucking sandwich?’ ”

“Yeah,” Amanda Whip agreed. “Sometimes you just wanna have a sandwich on a table and not her back.”

And there you have it. A total power exchange is a lot of work. You might have to fill up your lover’s dog bowl thrice daily while he or she pretends to be your pet and you might not get to eat a sandwich off of a table for several years. Just be prepared.

“Paid Sessions” — Maybe I’ll catch flak for including this as a “relationship” category, but in the BDSM world, paid sessions are common. Many people can’t find partners or lovers who are willing to fulfill their kinks, so they go to professionals. Because I’m always doing “research,” I often asked my clients at the dungeon why they came to me. One particularly heavy client (heavy meaning he was into tons of caning and other painful corporeal scenes) told me, “My wife doesn’t get it. She thinks blowjobs are kinky. If she knew what I was really into, she’d leave me.” Hence paid sessions supply something for which there is a great demand: understanding eroticism without judgment.